Sometimes There Isn t a Good Choice
by 2queens1prince
Summary: An early H/E fic based on a lilacmermaid prompt. You ll have to read the prompt to decide if you want to read the one shot.


Madam Secretary Prompt: Elizabeth worries that Henry won't want to have anything to do with her once he finds out that she's had an abortion before.

Elizabeth Adams tapped her pencil on the table. Though she tried not to show it, she was anxious. Henry was late. He'd never been late to one of their study dates. She wondered if he'd lost interest in her, then reprimanded herself. If Henry McCord ditched her, it was his loss. She tried telling herself that, but she sighed. It was easier said than felt.

Elizabeth was really trying to reinvent herself at college. She wanted to become a little more outgoing, a little more positive. She had a rough start to high school and never fully overcame it. UVA was totally different. There were so many more people. She knew she could find a group of friends, and she had right away. Then she met Henry.

Having a potential boyfriend wasn't part of her original plan. Henry was older, a grad student. He was soft spoken, but he could argue passionately for causes he cared about. He was a thinker, and a doer, and he was very attractive.

They met at a party. Their story wasn't all that original. They had both been drinking and her flirtatiousness was dolled out in equal proportion to her level of intoxication. She'd ended up cornering him and they talked most of the evening. He walked her back to her room, and she learned that he was a gentleman because she probably would've taken him upstairs if he'd acted like he expected it.

That was just shy of a month ago. They'd since met casually a couple of times at campus functions, but had just started meeting in the library so they could spend more time together, getting to know each other. Henry had never been late, until now, and Elizabeth tried to put her despair into perspective. It was only a month, not long at all. There had been no promises or expectations set. They were just hanging out. Elizabeth was the one who'd been hoping that they could become more.

The loud thumping up the marble stairs caused Elizabeth to raise her head, pulling her from those depressive thoughts. Henry was taking the stairs two at a time. He stopped at the edge of the table and bent over trying to catch his breath.

"Are you okay?" she asked. He held up one finger, indicating he needed a moment.

"I'm fine," he panted, gulping in air. "I just double booked myself and ran like a crazy person to get here to tell you what was going on so you wouldn't worry."

Elizabeth's heart swelled at the consideration that Henry showed her, and she was also a little embarrassed that he knew her so well. "What am I getting ditched for?" she asked, giving him a slight smile.

"A few weeks ago, I agreed to run in this fundraiser thing. I sort of forgot it was today when I made plans to meet you here. I'm sorry." Henry was sincere in his apology and Elizabeth couldn't stop herself from falling for him a little more every time they were together.

Henry was now kneeling at the edge of the table where she sat. She leaned in, her head close to his. "So what's this special cause that you're choosing over me?" she teased.

He grinned at her and leaned back, pointing to his t-shirt. "Running for babies," she read. "Is that like a March of Dimes thing?"

"No. It's a fundraiser for the Pregnancy Help Center here in town." Elizabeth wrinkled her nose, causing Henry to smile. She was extremely cute when she was trying to figure something out. "It's a place a woman can go if she's pregnant and doesn't know what to do. The staff can work with her to help make it doable to keep the baby."

Elizabeth's stomach turned inside out and she thought she might throw up. "What-what if she doesn't want to keep the baby?" she asked timidly.

"Oh, they can help her get in touch with adoption agencies too. Listen, I really have to go. Can I meet you here tomorrow?" Elizabeth nodded something of an agreement and Henry pushed himself up and disappeared back down the stairs.

Elizabeth leaned back in her chair and covered her mouth. Her breath shuddered as her brain transported her back to summer 1983.

Jesse was a year older than her in school, and he lived down the road her whole life. They used to go riding together. He'd always been a good friend. That spring before her parents were killed, he'd asked her out on a date. It was a date that never happened because her parents died and Elizabeth withdrew and didn't let anyone in.

It was early August when her Aunt Joan had dropped the bombshell that she and her brother would be leaving the farm and going to boarding school. Elizabeth was furious, hurt, and scared. She ran out of the house, across the field and found herself standing in the middle of Jesse's barn.

Jesse, who was cleaning the stalls, popped his head up when he heard someone enter. "What's wrong?" He moved to Elizabeth, concern filling him.

Elizabeth wanted to explain what was going on, how she felt, how hurt she was, but she couldn't get it out. She had all of this pain that needed to be diverted. "Lizzie?" he asked again.

Quickly she wiped the tears away with her shirt sleeve. Stepping in close, she pressed her body to his. "I want to forget," she whispered, and pulled his head down so she could kiss him.

Jesse obliged her, giving her exactly what she asked for. She kissed Jesse goodbye that night and knew she would likely never see him again.

Five weeks later she sat in the office of the school nurse at Houghton Preparatory Academy. She couldn't stop throwing up. This was day six. She didn't appear to have any other ailment-no fever, no diarrhea, no chills, or sweating. "How many times today Lizzie?" Nurse Marion asked.

"Five, or maybe six," Elizabeth murmured as her stomach rolled again. "It's usually better in the afternoon though." Marion spun on her heel, and studied the girl. Elizabeth Adams was a new student. She was quiet, shy even, withdrawn. Marion assumed it was due to her recent misfortune. Her grades were excellent and she'd been active in her previous school. She didn't look like a risk taker or a rule breaker. Still, Marion had to ask.

"Lizzie, could you be pregnant?" The young girl's head shot up in disbelief and at first Marion thought that Elizabeth was shocked she would be asked such a thing, then a look of horror flashed in the girl's eyes.

"It was only once," Elizabeth whispered and Marion's heart broke for the young girl in front of her. Elizabeth grabbed for the trash can burying her head in it, emptying her stomach of the three saltine crackers Marion had insisted she eat. Marion was at her side in an instant, calmly rubbing her back. She offered Elizabeth a sip of water. Elizabeth moved to the sink and rinsed her mouth before spitting it out.

She stood there, head down, eyes closed. Then she shook her head adamantly. "I can't be pregnant. There's just no way. The world just can't be that cruel." With that, she sank to the floor, dissolving into a puddle of tears. Marion moved to sit beside her, pulling the sobbing girl into her arms, and she held her.

When Elizabeth quieted, Marion spoke softly. "You need to take a test to see if you are. I'll bring one tomorrow and then we'll go from there, okay?" She pushed back the fly aways of blonde hair that framed the young girl's face. "It will be alright." Marion stood and helped Elizabeth to her feet. "Go back to your room and rest and come see me first thing in the morning. Don't use the bathroom when you wake up. Come see me first." Elizabeth nodded and moved to leave, but turned, rushing back to give the motherly nurse a hug.

"What am I going to do if?" she started, and Marion shushed her.

"Don't worry about that yet. One step at a time Lizzie." She squeezed the girl tightly. "Try to get some rest and I'll see you in the morning."

It was just before 7 am the following morning when Marion made her way to her office. She found the disheveled blonde sitting on the floor outside her door, hugging her knees. "Miss Lizzie, how long have you been here?" Offering the teen a hand, she pulled the girl to her feet.

"I couldn't sleep, but I waited to come until the sun was up," she mumbled, looking down at the floor, giving Marion a one shoulder shrug.

"Okay then, let's get this taken care of," Marion said, unlocking the door and holding it so Elizabeth could walk through first. Closing the door behind her, she pulled a paper bag from her purse.

She handed it to Elizabeth. "Start going pee and then stick the end in your urine stream. Put the cap back on and then we wait. Elizabeth reluctantly took the bag from shuffled off to the bathroom. Stepping inside, she pushed the door closed behind her and locked it. Then she placed the toilet lid down and sat on it. Elizabeth took a deep breath and removed the rectangular box from the brown paper.

She closed her eyes and tried to regulate her breathing. "Please God, no," she whispered. She opened her eyes and opened the box, quickly read the directions. Moments later, she emerged from the bathroom, placed the stick on Marion's counter and moved to sit in the straight backed wooden chair that occupied the corner of the nurse's office.

She looked out across the campus. Fog hung low, blanketing the grass, making everything hazy. Thoughts swirled in Elizabeth's head, but most pronounced was the image of her parents. They had believed that their strong willed daughter would do great things, and now, she didn't know if she'd even graduate high school. Surely they didn't let pregnant girls stay at Houghton. Where would she go? Aunt Joan didn't really want the two children she had thrust upon her as it was. A baby? She couldn't even imagine what it would look like to tell Joan that. She shuddered. Could she hide it? Maybe no one would know and she could just have the baby and put it up for adoption. "Please God."

A timer dinged in the background and Elizabeth's head snapped up. Marion rose from her desk and moved to the spot where the test lay. "Do you?" she asked and Elizabeth shook her head no. She didn't want to see, didn't want to know, yet the knot that had formed in her stomach the moment Marion mentioned pregnancy, told her everything. Marion looked up murmuring, "Positive."

Elizabeth couldn't remember most of what happened over the next few days. She knew she spent a lot of time talking with Marion and came to the conclusion that no one could ever know.

Elizabeth had no idea how Marion arranged it, but early the following Saturday morning, Elizabeth climbed into Marion's car and for the day she would be Marion's daughter.

The word abortion was never spoken. "Procedure," "terminate," and "mild discomfort" were words she remembered. Other than that, she just remembered being cold, so very cold. The throw away paper gown hung off Elizabeth's small frame, as she sat alone in the sterile room. She tried desperately to think of something good, something warm, something that might make her feel less empty, but in that moment she couldn't even remember her parents and she was afraid this was her punishment for getting pregnant in the first place.

Physically, Elizabeth healed quickly, but fell into a depression, a combination of deeply grieving her parents and hiding something, pretending that it didn't affect her deeply. At Christmas, when Joan came to pick them up, she was appalled at Elizabeth's state of being and immediately set her up with a therapist.

By the end of the Christmas break, Elizabeth had a handful of strategies to deal with the loss of her parents. The other loss was never addressed, because it didn't exist.

Slowly, Elizabeth pulled herself out of the hole she was in. She was still reserved and quiet, but forced herself to eat more regularly and she tried to exercise. Eventually, she looked healthier and felt better.

She just kept putting one foot in front of the other, and by her senior year, was back to normal, or a new normal. Elizabeth had a few friends, was in debate club and on the field hockey team.

Marion checked in on her frequently throughout her years at Houghton, but they never spoke of that Saturday morning in September when she was a sophomore. By mutual unspoken agreement, it never happened.

Elizabeth vowed to make her college years different from her high school ones. She pushed herself to be more outgoing and it had worked well. She made friends and she had Henry.

Elizabeth felt like she'd been punched in the gut. She opened her eyes and realized she'd spent all afternoon at the library and the only thing she accomplished was dragging that memory up from deep where she'd buried it. Slowly, she gathered her notes, stacked her books, and loaded her backpack.

She descended the stairs and headed out of the library. Walking down the street, she tried to think through what had happened that afternoon with Henry. They had only known each other a short time. They hadn't really talked about serious stuff. He didn't even know about her parents. Did he need to know this? Ever?

As the thought crossed her mind, she cringed. She didn't know Henry really well, but what she knew of him she liked. She hoped that they might become something some day and she wanted a relationship based on honesty. A wave of nausea rolled over her. That wasn't a discussion she wanted to have, especially now that she knew where Henry stood. Elizabeth couldn't imagine that it would end well. Her stomach knotted and cramped inside her, making her feel ill. Walking up the steps to her dorm, she slipped inside and headed straight to bed, hoping to address the problem another day.

Henry sat at their table and tried to study, but he couldn't focus. It was Thursday and Elizabeth always beat him to the library on Thursdays. He hadn't seen her since Monday and she hadn't returned his calls.

Henry sighed, pushing his chair away from the table, scrubbing a hand over his face. He wondered if he'd made her angry when he went on his run instead of staying with her. She had done nothing to give him the impression that she would react like that. Even as he was talking to her, she seemed fine, so he couldn't figure out what the problem might be.

Suddenly he stood and scraped his books into his pack. He was going to go find her. Henry quickly canvassed the library to make sure she wasn't sitting somewhere else and then made a beeline for her room.

He was out of breath by the time he knocked on her door, although he tried not to show it when she answered. "Henry?" Her voice was different. Something was wrong. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"You weren't at the library. You said you would be, and you haven't been. You didn't return my calls. And, well, I've missed you." He studied her and watched the crease deepen across her forehead.

"I don't think I'm ready for this," she murmured.

Henry's confusion was evident, but he could see she was conflicted. "Ready for what?"

She shrugged and shifted her weight from the balls of her feet to her heels nervously. "Any of it." Her head was down and she willed him to go away, for this to just be over. Henry reached out and tentatively ran his hand up her arm, pausing at her shoulder before moving to lift her chin so he could see her face.

"You can talk to me."

Elizabeth weighed her options. She wasn't emotionally prepared for this, but she didn't see time passing as making her more ready. She stepped back and gestured for him to come in. Henry let his backpack fall off his shoulders and leaned it against her desk.

"Go ahead and sit," she said, pointing to her bed. He moved to the foot of the bed and Elizabeth sat at the head, pulling her pillow into her lap. She stared at him for a long moment as the anguish rolled over her. _Damnit, this isn't fair. Just when I find someone I actually think I might see myself with…_

She took a deep breath, but didn't know what to say. Everything was all jumbled together, and she didn't know where to start. Frustration got the better of her. "Ahhhh," she screamed into her pillow. Henry's eyes went wide.

"Sorry. I just needed to get past that." She looked at Henry. His concern for her warmed her heart, but broke it all in the same moment. Elizabeth decided it wasn't going to get any easier, so she just started in.

"Look, I like you. Like a lot," she said, stopping to think about how she should continue.

"Well, so far so good. I like you a lot too." Henry grinned at her, but he sobered when it wasn't returned. "Elizabeth, just say whatever it is. I'm sure it's not that bad."

"It's just been buried for so long and then you show up with that t-shirt on, and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I know you think it's wrong and I just didn't feel like there was another acceptable choice Henry, and now you'll think I'm a monster and hate me which makes me so-I don't even know-devastated? And that's kind of dumb because we really don't know each other all that well, but it's really how I feel." Elizabeth rattled everything off in a single breath and, with tears ready to fall, she buried her face in the pillow, leaving a very confused Henry looking on.

"What? Why? Elizabeth, I could never hate you. Why would you think that?" He scooted closer to comfort her.

Elizabeth raised her head and her expression hardened. "Because I've had an abortion."

Henry felt like his heart shattered in thousands of pieces. His hand covered his mouth and he looked at Elizabeth. Her jaw was set and her eyes clouded, tears brimming at the edges. She was steeling herself for something.

Henry rolled off the bed and paced her room. He thought about leaving. He needed to clear his head. How could she? He'd been raised to believe that abortion was wrong. Everyone he knew from back home grew up with the same beliefs. Your family may not like an unexpected pregnancy, but they would always have your back. If you couldn't find a way to keep the baby, you gave it up for adoption. But, abortion? He couldn't wrap his head arounf it.

There was a girl in his class who had turned up pregnant when she was a junior. Of course, there was a group of assholes that had called her all sorts of names, but most people supported her. She had the baby and her parents helped out. It wasn't ideal, but they made it work, for the sake of the baby.

Elizabeth watched as he wildly moved about her room, trying to process what he found to be unbelievable. Tears began to fall down her face, and she waited for his wrath. In that moment, she felt like she deserved it. She needed to be punished. Punished for what, she wasn't exactly sure-maybe for not being stronger or for not being able to come up with another solution. It didn't matter now anyway. He'd hate her, and she'd relive the loss all over again.

He turned and studied her. She looked so distraught. His heart broke for her. No matter why she chose to have an abortion, she was still the kind, intelligent and beautiful girl he'd met and wanted to know better. Henry just wanted to understand. Her expression was one of utter devastation and he realized that every minute that passed that he left her alone with her thoughts, was more time he'd need to invest to assure her that this wasn't the end of them.

Henry moved to sit close and scooped her into his lap burying his head against her shoulder. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, holding her tight.

She wiggled away from him, not understanding his reaction. "You seem to not comprehend what I said?" she said, incredulously.

"I did and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Was it because your parents were upset? Did they want you to do it?" Henry asked.

Elizabeth shook her head. "My parents are dead. They died when I was 15. I got pregnant a few months after they died." His reaction surprised her. She had expected anger or loathing. Instead, Henry looked wounded.

"But, why didn't you tell me?"

"What? About my parents?" She swiped her tears with the back of her hand. "That's always a great ice breaker. Hi, I'm Elizabeth. My parents are dead. Go ahead and pity me."

Henry studied her. She was being flippant, but he knew she was trying to protect herself from seeming too vulnerable. "Maybe not on the first date," he agreed. "But after that, it's something I would've liked to have known."

"It doesn't matter now I suppose. Just so you know, I really did like you." Elizabeth moved to get off the bed and grab a tissue. Dabbing at her eyes, she couldn't figure out why Henry was still just sitting in the middle of her bed.

"Did?" he asked.

"Did? Do? I think that's semantics at this point." She picked his backpack up and held it toward him.

"Are you kicking me out?" Henry inquired.

"Are you planning on staying?"

"You think I'll leave because you had an abortion?" Henry moved to take his backpack and he tossed it back against the desk. Taking her hands in his own, he spoke. "It's not a choice that I would've wanted you to make or that you should've had to make. I don't understand why you felt the need to make that choice, but I wasn't there. I don't know the circumstances. You don't seem like a person who makes a decision without thinking everything through. I'm sure you did what you thought was best." He squeezed her hand and she looked up. "And, for the record, I wouldn't hate anyone because she had a abortion, least of all, you. It just makes me sad is all."

Henry tugged her back toward the bed and they talked. She told him about her parents' accident and how her Aunt Joan had two grieving teenagers thrust upon her, a situation for which she was woefully unprepared.

She shared how just as she was able to make it through the day, Joan had told them that she was sending both her and her brother to boarding school. In her devastation, she sought out the closest person to comfort her. Then, having been at school for only a short time, she found herself pregnant.

"Aunt Joan didn't want the two kids she had. I couldn't tell her I was pregnant. I would've been kicked out of school and Joan sent us away because she didn't want us around. Where was I going to go? I had no other family. What was I supposed to do?"

Henry held Elizabeth's hand as she talked and he tried to put himself in her shoes.. If he had come home having gotten a girl pregnant, his parents would be irate, but ultimately they would help him support the mother of his baby. Henry tried to imagine what it would be like to live without that safety net.

Henry had known immediately that he liked Elizabeth, and wanted to spend time getting to know her better. Now, he felt the undeniable draw to her. She had such a good heart, even though she, herself, had endured terrible heartbreak.

Finishing, she sat in silence, waiting. When Henry made no signs of leaving, she squeezed his hand causing him to look up. "So, you don't think I'm an awful person?" She cocked her head to the side and her eyes were anxious. "I'm still okay?" she asked, awaiting his answer.

"You're more than okay, and you're definitely not awful. Actually, do you want to go grab a pizza? I've missed you, and I'd like us to spend some time together." He gave her a wide smile that she returned with a sheepish grin.

"I think I'd like that." She stood, and checked her reflection in the wardrobe mirror. "I'll be right back." With that, she left the room. She returned only a couple of minutes later , having washed her face and reapplied her makeup. "You're sure you still want to be with me?"

"I'm very sure."

Henry stood and moved to grab his backpack. He reached out to take her hand. She took it, but stayed rooted to her spot. He turned to see what she wanted. "Thank you for accepting me and not guilting me. I have done enough of that myself."

"You know you can forgive yourself, right? You were young and in a terrible situation. I don't think anyone would blame you."

"Maybe if I'd-" she started, and Henry pressed a finger to her lips.

"Don't second guess. What's done is done." He squeezed her hand a little tighter. "Come on. Let's go."

"Before we go, will you do something for me?" Elizabeth looked up at Henry with those baby blues and Henry knew that he would figure out a way to give her anything she wanted for as long as she would allow him the privilege.

"What?" he asked,curious as to what her request may be..

"Would you kiss me?"

"Absolutely." Banding his arm around her middle, he pulled her in close. "You don't mind that our first kiss is after this?"

"The fact that you're still here and willing to stay is worthy of celebration." She closed her eyes and tilted her head back, lips parted just enough.

Henry lowered his head, letting their noses brush together before turning slightly and capturing her top lip between his.

Not missing a beat, Elizabeth opened her mouth, darting her tongue out, catching his bottom lip. His hands were splayed across her back holding her firmly to him as he kissed her back. Finally, pulling away, he kept his forehead resting against hers.

"Can I ask you something?" he murmured, his mouth close to her ear.

"Uh huh," she responded, still a little dazed by the intensity of the kiss.

"It won't be for quite a while, but when we get to the point that we make love, that's what it will be, and I want us both to be on the same page."

She pulled back to get a better look at him. "What do you mean?" His statement perplexed her.

"Just that when we finally do, it will mean more to us than just hooking up. So, if I were to get you pregnant, I would want you to come to me and we could make a plan together."

"Henry, I" she stopped, unsure what to do with that request.

"I understand and respect that any decision is ultimately yours. I just want you to know that if it were to happen, I'd want to be involved. Even if it was unplanned, you wouldn't be alone. I mean, I hope that it doesn't happen. But if it did, it wouldn't be the same. I just want you to make sure you know that."

In his eyes, she saw sincerity and something else, a longing of sorts. "You think we'll get to that point?"

"I hope so. I said I like you. Like really like you." Henry leaned back in to kiss her cheek.

She laughed softly at his words. Then she became serious. "You're someone I can see building a future with. If we're going to have a relationship, I want it to be built on honesty, so if that ever happened, I would definitely include you."

He kissed her softly and then released his hold on her. "Our pizza awaits," he whispered. "It's time we start really getting to know each other."

A feeling of calm washed over her that she hadn't experienced in so long. Looking up at Henry, a wide smile covered her face. "I can't wait."


End file.
